• “Why do they call it rush hour when nothing moves?” — Robin Williams
  • “Don’t be so humble — you are not that great.” ― Golda Meir
  • “If you can’t be kind, at least be vague.” ― Judith Martin
  • “There is only one thing in the world worse than being talked about, and that is not being talked about.” ― Oscar Wilde, “The Picture of Dorian Gray”
  • “Always forgive your enemies; nothing annoys them so much.” ― Oscar Wilde
  • “In real life, I assure you, there is no such thing as algebra.” — Fran Lebowitz
  • “I’d love to stand here and talk with you...but I’m not going to.” — Phil Connors, “Groundhog Day”
  • “All you need is love. But a little chocolate now and then doesn’t hurt.” ― Charles M. Schulz
  • “I’m not offended by blonde jokes because I know I’m not dumb…and I also know that I’m not blonde.” —Dolly Parton
  • “It is useless to try to hold a person to anything he says while he’s madly in love, drunk, or running for office.” — Shirley MacLaine
  • “I remember it like it was yesterday. Of course, I don’t really remember yesterday all that well.” — Dory, “Finding Dory”
  • “I’m sure wherever my Dad is, he’s looking down on us. He’s not dead, just very condescending.” — Jack Whitehall
  • “Before you marry a person, you should first make them use a computer with slow Internet to see who they really are.” — Will Ferrell
  • “I’d like to have a kid, but I’m not sure I’m ready to spend 10 years of my life constantly asking someone where his shoes are.” — Damien Fahey
  • “I want my children to have all the things I couldn’t afford. Then I want to move in with them.” — Phyllis Diller
  • “My husband and I fell in love at first sight. Maybe I should have taken a second look.” — Halley Reed, “Crimes and Misdemeanors”
  • “When I was a kid my parents moved a lot, but I always found them.” ― Rodney Dangerfield
  • “As I learned from growing up, you don’t mess with your grandmother.” — Prince William
  • “I’m not insane. My mother had me tested.” —Sheldon Cooper, “The Big Bang Theory”
  • “I love being married. It’s so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.” — Rita Rudner
  • “Good parenting means investing in your child’s future, which is why I am saving to buy mine a hoverboard someday.” — Lin-Manuel Miranda
  • “Everybody knows how to raise children, except the people who have them.” ― P. J. O’Rourke
  • “When your children are teenagers, it’s important to have a dog so that someone in the house is happy to see you.” — Nora Ephron
  • “You can kid the world, but not your sister.” ― Charlotte Gray
  • “I generally avoid temptation unless I can’t resist it.” ― Mae West
  • “There is no such thing as fun for the whole family.” — Jerry Seinfeld
  • “If you cannot get rid of the family skeleton, you may as well make it dance.” ― George Bernard Shaw, “Immaturity”
  • “People say, ‘How you stay looking so young?’ I say, well, good lighting, good doctors, and good makeup.” — Dolly Parton
  • “My mother always used to say, ‘The older you get, the better you get. Unless you’re a banana.’” ― Rose Nylund, “Golden Girls”
  • “You know you’re getting old when you stoop to tie your shoelaces and wonder what else you could do while you’re down there.” ― George Burns
  • “People say, ‘But Betty, Facebook is a great way to connect with old friends.’ Well, at my age, if I want to connect with old friends, I need a Ouija board.” —Betty White